Starting to feel 👎🏼
Now it’s starting to become a chore. Weekly visits to the hospital, bloods in morning, then return for afternoon session of chemo. They run behind and then it gets boring being there.
My week has been okay. Mixed emotions and symptoms.
31/12/19
Today I had the dreaded double dose of chemotherapy! I had the Carboplatin and the Paclitaxol! As part of my conversation with my oncologist on the 30th, they have reduced the dosage of the Paclitaxol because of the neuropathy in my fingers.
The problem with doubles, is that they are long days! 1/2hour or so for pre meds, which are all put in my PICC line, then a flush for 10mins, then chemo bag number 1, then a flush for 10/15mins, then another chemo bag and then a final flush and disconnect. Then your given your medication to take home for the next 3 weeks! the medication normally consists of anti-sickness tablets (On double weeks I have worse anti sickness so they give me a different type called Ondansetron because my sickness is much worse on these weeks) a bottle of mouthwash called Benzydamine, more anti sickness called Metoclopramide, and my steroids called Dexamethasone. This is my cocktail for the next few weeks!
During the chemo today, I was given my own VIP room. So I had a table, lush sofa and a comfy chair. Gave me chance to do some colouring in my book! It did kill a lot of time for me, but was hard work holding pencils with my numb fingers!
For New Year’s Eve it is my partner and I anniversary when we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend! He was at work and I was with Erin! Sounds right! We did have invite to a party with our closest friends, which we were going to pop into once the mother in law was home from work at 8:30ish. See the new year in and then go home.
3:30am I was home. After me starting to reach and wretching from tiredness I had to go home by that point! I did have a sip of Prosecco to wave goodbye to back end of the shittest year of my life, but welcome in 2020 with the view of a few months time I’ll be cancer free, surgery complete and ready to marry the love of my life!
HAPPY NEW YEAR
01/01/20
Today’s sickness has got me by the balls. Definitely should not of stayed out so late last night, because I feel like crap today. Erin has been a dream girl today, and she came upstairs with mummy. Was equipped with a million teddies and I even let her watch Disney films on the tablet in mummy’s bed. As a result of this, she had a killer nap. Which I did too!
But the wretching and reaching has been uncontrollable today! No matter how much I graze on fruit, snacks etc and take my anti sickness meds I can’t stop!! Been trying to keep my fruit uptake high because I’m on the stronger anti sickness the side effect of those is severe constipation and I DO NOT want to go through that again!
Today I have written off as shit. But have really liked the cuddles in my bed with Erin!
My hands haven’t really improved as far as my skin is. It’s spreading all along, and it is now not as painful, just dry and scaley. I have been moisturising them so much, but haven’t found the perfect ingredient yet to make it go back.
02/01/20 - 06/01/20
This week has not been a favourite of mine. I will not lie!
The sickness (non stop) during the health and safety visit at work Monday I sat in with (all practice for when I become a manager) I kept thinking I want to wretch. So I kept grazing but no luck! Had a few moments of disguising a cough as a ‘moment.’
Constipation has arrived, did take a tablets every few days to try and help relief but still not feeling right. It eventually passed on the 05/01/20 hurrah! But I am not enjoying that part of it!
Tomorrow I have another session of chemo, and it’s starting to get me down. I want to feel human again. A bit more normal in myself. I know it’s going to take weeks/months/years to feel better again. But the end is slowly dragging.
This week Jim has had a viral cold/throat inflammation thing. He’s sleeping as not been well, so it’s making me restless and he has been snoring a bit. So I am absolutely knackered.
The neuropathy has not got better either. Still have that numb/tingly sensation in my fingers. It’s not affecting my dexterity yet but I am very aware when I do writing at work, holding a pen is a bit of a chore and feels uncomfortable. I am still able to write, but it just feels odd to hold a pen. Most of the admin work I’ve been doing whilst I’ve not been on the shop floor involves pen work so this is my guide to how it has changed over the few weeks.
I have my appointment on 20/01/20 to see the oncologist again before my next cycle starts on the 21/01. Which I will mention all of these above!
We did have a nice family day on 04/01/20 where we went for a forest walk and then had some close friends over for a roast dinner and exchange Christmas presents! Was a bit late, but we have been all so busy it’s been the only weekend we have had free! I take these photos and feel incredibly grateful for the memories made this day, but then evening comes and then Erin is a nightmare at bed time!! Even though in the middle of the forest I started reaching and wretching, it was pretty nice feeling to get some fresh air on our faces.
Erin Bean
Apart from the nice chill day we had on 01/01 this week, Erin has been a little munchkin at not going to bed like a good girl at night which isn’t helping as we are all getting stressed and frustrated. For a baby that is 29months old and has slept the night pretty much from 6weeks old (routine is key guys!) now shes that bit older, she certainly has picked her times! I mean once she’s asleep, she’s asleep. It’s the argument about going to sleep and climbing out the cot, chucking everything out, when I go in after a 10min stand off, she’s like ‘MAMA NO LEAVE NOW.’ Getting herself so worked up. We do controlled crying, where Erin cries, we leave it for 5mins, go back in, give her back everything she has launched around the room. Then leave the room, then if she carries on, wait 10mins and the time increases until she goes to sleep. Doesn’t leave much time for us together as parents but she’s being silly, she won’t get my attention!
The hardest bit about going through cancer and having a child. Is the lack of things I can do properly. James does a lot, and she is very ‘daddy fied’ she was anyway, but even more so now. She doesn’t really listen to me, holds james hand only, cuddles with daddy only, daddy can only do this and do that. Don’t get me wrong, I do do things, like change her, dress her, bathe her, make her snacks. But it is the end of the world and we have a million tantrums in the process. Which stresses me out ALOT. It shouldn’t, but my patience is just so thin I snap so much easier! When we have amazing family days, she is a dream. But it tests me so bad on lonely days we have.
What can I do to keep calm? I don’t want to be a shit mum and I really don’t want Erin to remember these days as me shouting and crying and just being fed up. I want her to remember me being a great mum! 😭
My week has been okay. Mixed emotions and symptoms.
31/12/19
Today I had the dreaded double dose of chemotherapy! I had the Carboplatin and the Paclitaxol! As part of my conversation with my oncologist on the 30th, they have reduced the dosage of the Paclitaxol because of the neuropathy in my fingers.
The problem with doubles, is that they are long days! 1/2hour or so for pre meds, which are all put in my PICC line, then a flush for 10mins, then chemo bag number 1, then a flush for 10/15mins, then another chemo bag and then a final flush and disconnect. Then your given your medication to take home for the next 3 weeks! the medication normally consists of anti-sickness tablets (On double weeks I have worse anti sickness so they give me a different type called Ondansetron because my sickness is much worse on these weeks) a bottle of mouthwash called Benzydamine, more anti sickness called Metoclopramide, and my steroids called Dexamethasone. This is my cocktail for the next few weeks!
During the chemo today, I was given my own VIP room. So I had a table, lush sofa and a comfy chair. Gave me chance to do some colouring in my book! It did kill a lot of time for me, but was hard work holding pencils with my numb fingers!
For New Year’s Eve it is my partner and I anniversary when we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend! He was at work and I was with Erin! Sounds right! We did have invite to a party with our closest friends, which we were going to pop into once the mother in law was home from work at 8:30ish. See the new year in and then go home.
3:30am I was home. After me starting to reach and wretching from tiredness I had to go home by that point! I did have a sip of Prosecco to wave goodbye to back end of the shittest year of my life, but welcome in 2020 with the view of a few months time I’ll be cancer free, surgery complete and ready to marry the love of my life!
HAPPY NEW YEAR
01/01/20
Today’s sickness has got me by the balls. Definitely should not of stayed out so late last night, because I feel like crap today. Erin has been a dream girl today, and she came upstairs with mummy. Was equipped with a million teddies and I even let her watch Disney films on the tablet in mummy’s bed. As a result of this, she had a killer nap. Which I did too!
But the wretching and reaching has been uncontrollable today! No matter how much I graze on fruit, snacks etc and take my anti sickness meds I can’t stop!! Been trying to keep my fruit uptake high because I’m on the stronger anti sickness the side effect of those is severe constipation and I DO NOT want to go through that again!
Today I have written off as shit. But have really liked the cuddles in my bed with Erin!
My hands haven’t really improved as far as my skin is. It’s spreading all along, and it is now not as painful, just dry and scaley. I have been moisturising them so much, but haven’t found the perfect ingredient yet to make it go back.
02/01/20 - 06/01/20
This week has not been a favourite of mine. I will not lie!
The sickness (non stop) during the health and safety visit at work Monday I sat in with (all practice for when I become a manager) I kept thinking I want to wretch. So I kept grazing but no luck! Had a few moments of disguising a cough as a ‘moment.’
Constipation has arrived, did take a tablets every few days to try and help relief but still not feeling right. It eventually passed on the 05/01/20 hurrah! But I am not enjoying that part of it!
Tomorrow I have another session of chemo, and it’s starting to get me down. I want to feel human again. A bit more normal in myself. I know it’s going to take weeks/months/years to feel better again. But the end is slowly dragging.
This week Jim has had a viral cold/throat inflammation thing. He’s sleeping as not been well, so it’s making me restless and he has been snoring a bit. So I am absolutely knackered.
The neuropathy has not got better either. Still have that numb/tingly sensation in my fingers. It’s not affecting my dexterity yet but I am very aware when I do writing at work, holding a pen is a bit of a chore and feels uncomfortable. I am still able to write, but it just feels odd to hold a pen. Most of the admin work I’ve been doing whilst I’ve not been on the shop floor involves pen work so this is my guide to how it has changed over the few weeks.
I have my appointment on 20/01/20 to see the oncologist again before my next cycle starts on the 21/01. Which I will mention all of these above!
We did have a nice family day on 04/01/20 where we went for a forest walk and then had some close friends over for a roast dinner and exchange Christmas presents! Was a bit late, but we have been all so busy it’s been the only weekend we have had free! I take these photos and feel incredibly grateful for the memories made this day, but then evening comes and then Erin is a nightmare at bed time!! Even though in the middle of the forest I started reaching and wretching, it was pretty nice feeling to get some fresh air on our faces.
Erin Bean
Apart from the nice chill day we had on 01/01 this week, Erin has been a little munchkin at not going to bed like a good girl at night which isn’t helping as we are all getting stressed and frustrated. For a baby that is 29months old and has slept the night pretty much from 6weeks old (routine is key guys!) now shes that bit older, she certainly has picked her times! I mean once she’s asleep, she’s asleep. It’s the argument about going to sleep and climbing out the cot, chucking everything out, when I go in after a 10min stand off, she’s like ‘MAMA NO LEAVE NOW.’ Getting herself so worked up. We do controlled crying, where Erin cries, we leave it for 5mins, go back in, give her back everything she has launched around the room. Then leave the room, then if she carries on, wait 10mins and the time increases until she goes to sleep. Doesn’t leave much time for us together as parents but she’s being silly, she won’t get my attention!
The hardest bit about going through cancer and having a child. Is the lack of things I can do properly. James does a lot, and she is very ‘daddy fied’ she was anyway, but even more so now. She doesn’t really listen to me, holds james hand only, cuddles with daddy only, daddy can only do this and do that. Don’t get me wrong, I do do things, like change her, dress her, bathe her, make her snacks. But it is the end of the world and we have a million tantrums in the process. Which stresses me out ALOT. It shouldn’t, but my patience is just so thin I snap so much easier! When we have amazing family days, she is a dream. But it tests me so bad on lonely days we have.
What can I do to keep calm? I don’t want to be a shit mum and I really don’t want Erin to remember these days as me shouting and crying and just being fed up. I want her to remember me being a great mum! 😭
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