Now it’s getting harder!
I haven’t written in a while, just been trying to keep my head above water and powering on.
I am struggling lately.
More so with my symptoms then my mental health, which I thought my mental health would be harsher. But I have only just really begun this journey.
My hands are still extremely sore. Every week I go for more chemo, they just say use this cream, use that cream, but no cream seems to be working. I am due to see the oncologist on Monday 20th, before my next cycle starts and I’ll ask again then! But I’ve tried lots of different types, but nothing seems to be making them calmer and less sore!
I’ve been blessed with another UTI, which can only be explained as a friggin nightmare. So I have been given more antibiotics for that. I’ve only just finished taking antibiotics from Christmas for a UTI! Also may I add, I have no ‘reason’ why I have one. The GP was like - “any new bath products?” “Changed washing powder?” “Drank too much alcohol?” “Had sex?” NO NO NO NO was my response. Definitely not! Have you seen the state of me?
My neuropathy on my fingers seems to be not easing off even though they have reduced my dosage. I’m finding it hard work typing this as the tips of my fingers are numb. Even holding pens and writing at work (which I do a lot of now) is becoming harder. It’s not interfering with my dexterity, but I am becoming very aware of it. I had tingling in my big toes which got me a bit worried and I realised how my toenails have taken a massive hit lately with the chemo and are certainly a lot more brittle. I thought I would take my nail varnish off my toes and give my toes a break, and then spot a potential nail infection/chemo damage. Brought some stuff to treat my toes (self care and all that) and then A few days after doing it, my toe starts swelling and is All puffy, red, inflamed. Go to pharmacy and get advice on the Saturday, and he said it’s infected. So I’m on another lot of antibiotics for a toe infection!
And then there’s hair loss. I wish I had tried scalp cooling. Every time I look in the mirror at my ridiculous bald head it makes me feel sick and sad. I don’t even look like myself anymore. It’s going to take years and years and years to grow back and it’s slowly driving me mad. I know I have some pretty awesome headscarves and a fabulous wig. But it’s not me. My wig is so hot, that when I have ridiculous hot sweats I can’t just whip my wig/headscarf off. I do not feel confident without anything on unless I’m at home. Then there’s old photos of me with hair and it makes me want to cry. How ridiculous is that?
Chemo is destroying cells in my body so I can live. It’s working because my cancer has had a full response to chemotherapy and my hair is falling out as it’s working.
Yet.
I still feel sad, uncomfortable and dam right Minging!
And with everything else that is going on/wrong (gammy hands, UTI, gammy toe) I feel more like a skank in my own skin.
But I’m going to keep going. Not because I have too, but because I need too. Because the light is nearly there. My family need me to keep going.
I have chemotherapy number 12/18 tomorrow. Which is also making me feel a bit glum because it should of been my last one.
😭
All I want to do is drown myself in a massive fat old slab of chocolate cake with lots of icing and sprinkles and stuff. But I did rejoin slimming world last week, so that definitely isn’t on the cards!
I am struggling lately.
More so with my symptoms then my mental health, which I thought my mental health would be harsher. But I have only just really begun this journey.
My hands are still extremely sore. Every week I go for more chemo, they just say use this cream, use that cream, but no cream seems to be working. I am due to see the oncologist on Monday 20th, before my next cycle starts and I’ll ask again then! But I’ve tried lots of different types, but nothing seems to be making them calmer and less sore!
 |
| Updated hand photo! definitely spread on the left hand! |
I’ve been blessed with another UTI, which can only be explained as a friggin nightmare. So I have been given more antibiotics for that. I’ve only just finished taking antibiotics from Christmas for a UTI! Also may I add, I have no ‘reason’ why I have one. The GP was like - “any new bath products?” “Changed washing powder?” “Drank too much alcohol?” “Had sex?” NO NO NO NO was my response. Definitely not! Have you seen the state of me?
My neuropathy on my fingers seems to be not easing off even though they have reduced my dosage. I’m finding it hard work typing this as the tips of my fingers are numb. Even holding pens and writing at work (which I do a lot of now) is becoming harder. It’s not interfering with my dexterity, but I am becoming very aware of it. I had tingling in my big toes which got me a bit worried and I realised how my toenails have taken a massive hit lately with the chemo and are certainly a lot more brittle. I thought I would take my nail varnish off my toes and give my toes a break, and then spot a potential nail infection/chemo damage. Brought some stuff to treat my toes (self care and all that) and then A few days after doing it, my toe starts swelling and is All puffy, red, inflamed. Go to pharmacy and get advice on the Saturday, and he said it’s infected. So I’m on another lot of antibiotics for a toe infection!
And then there’s hair loss. I wish I had tried scalp cooling. Every time I look in the mirror at my ridiculous bald head it makes me feel sick and sad. I don’t even look like myself anymore. It’s going to take years and years and years to grow back and it’s slowly driving me mad. I know I have some pretty awesome headscarves and a fabulous wig. But it’s not me. My wig is so hot, that when I have ridiculous hot sweats I can’t just whip my wig/headscarf off. I do not feel confident without anything on unless I’m at home. Then there’s old photos of me with hair and it makes me want to cry. How ridiculous is that?
Chemo is destroying cells in my body so I can live. It’s working because my cancer has had a full response to chemotherapy and my hair is falling out as it’s working.
Yet.
I still feel sad, uncomfortable and dam right Minging!
And with everything else that is going on/wrong (gammy hands, UTI, gammy toe) I feel more like a skank in my own skin.
But I’m going to keep going. Not because I have too, but because I need too. Because the light is nearly there. My family need me to keep going.
I have chemotherapy number 12/18 tomorrow. Which is also making me feel a bit glum because it should of been my last one.
😭
All I want to do is drown myself in a massive fat old slab of chocolate cake with lots of icing and sprinkles and stuff. But I did rejoin slimming world last week, so that definitely isn’t on the cards!
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