3/12

12/11/19

Fortunately my bloods were all good for me to have chemotherapy this week. I had a rather relative chilled day today, normally I have to have bloods done in the AM, but they did them all yesterday when I was at the hospital. So I had a nice chill morning before my appointment! After my chemotherapy I didn’t really have any symptoms, felt a bit out of it because of the antihistamines and steroids they gave me. But apart from that, the darned chesty cough is the killer! 

13/11/19

Symptoms wise today was awful. I felt quite nauseous and also very snotty. I have a chest infection so that’s not helping. When I’m resting I should be sleeping, but I can’t because I’m coughing my absolute guts up and can’t breathe! I think symptoms wise, most of my feelings are because of the chest infection and not the actual chemotherapy. 

I have noticed that my hair is starting to fall out a little bit more. Not a lot, but more than normal. My scalp is also so incredibly tender to touch. Almost like you have a ponytail that’s too tight, but in patches over my head.. it’s very odd. My skin is also very red and blotchy and spotty. I haven’t worn make up in weeks, but I have read that side effects of chemo are itchy rash like skin. My forehead is covered in little red rash spots. Again, toying with my anxiety at the moment. But all I keep repeating is, “the chemo is killing the cancer, these are all good signs the cancer is being killed.” But then I look in the mirror and don’t even recognise myself. 

*edit* 

I washed my hair tonight, and a lot came out. So I guess this is the start of it. This wasn’t even the bulk of it, this was just a small amount that came out in my hand. And typically the wig company that has been provided by the hospital have not been as efficient at getting back to me! let’s hope I don’t wake up in the morning absolutely bald. 

14/11/19

So I didn’t wake up bald, but had an awful sleep because of the chest infection. My whole body is hurting from coughing. Slight nauseous feeling but then I can’t say it’s anything different. The nauseous could be from coughing and straining my tummy most of the night. 

My scalp is hurting a lot, and I can run my hands through my hair and a lot does come out.

This is now starting to bother me. It’s all becoming real because now my hair is actually falling out and before I know it, I will be looking like a true ‘cancer’ person. 

15/11/19

So today, I have lost a lot of hair. It has all started thinning on the top of my my hair along my fringe line. Every time I touch my hair to move it, I feel more hair on my fingers. The pain is driving me mad on my scalp, like every part of it aches. I found myself touching bits of it to see how much would come out. And I’ve lost handfuls today. 

To be honest I don’t know how I feel. I feel very emotional and sad. I mean I knew this was going to happen, and I know why it’s happening. But part of you doesn’t want to accept the fact that you will be loosing your hair. It’s what makes you a ‘woman’ and gives you femininity. Then my mind immediately flips to James, like how he will find me attractive when I am bald. How I am going to feel myself looking at the mirror? I know it will grow back, but it actually gives me such bad anxiety. And work. Oh my god, work, my peers are going to be fine, of course they are. But I can’t bare for them to see me all bald! And then Erin. How is she going to react to mummy with no hair? She loves brushing my hair and putting clips in, it’s what we do in the morning, what if she doesn’t recognise me. 

When do I make that decision to shave it all completely? Shall I do it now and prevent any embarrassing moments where bits come out? 

How do I tie a headscarf? Will I suit a headscarf? Can I wear a headscarf at work? 

What shall I do about my eyebrows? Shall I get them micro-bladed? Can I get them micro-bladed now I have ‘started’ chemotherapy? I read that some people have, some people have been advised against. 

I guess I will have to ask my oncologist Monday when I’m due to see her again. 

17/11/19

Well today’s hair loss is a big amount. My scalp was in agony this morning and I literally ran my hands through and all this came out! I almost feel like a new woman. 

Or not!