Compromise

So today I saw my surgeon for my consultation for mastectomy and also rebuild. 

I knew that my end goal was to have a double mastectomy & reconstruction via method of ‘DIEP flap’ when I first found out I had the BRCA1 gene. 

Let me first explain a few things. 

Mastectomy is where they do surgery to remove all breast tissue from a breast as a way to treat or prevent breast cancer.

DIEP flap is surgery where they basically take the skin and tissue (no muscle) from the abdomen in order to recreate the breasts. 

Right. 

So when I went in. 

She laid her cards on the table which were:

1. Double mastectomy and no rebuild. Continue on with treatment (radiotherapy) and then have reconstruction at a later date.
2. We do a mastectomy on the bad boob and then a silicone implant rebuild but leave the other boob as it is. Have radiotherapy then come back and have reconstruction at a later date. 

My concerns/annoyance: 

1. I don’t really want to be without boobs. I’m due to get married in 5months, I feel 0 self confidence right now, so how am I going to feel with being bald, thin eyebrows and COMPLETELY no boobs!? Reconstruction at a later date, I agree is a good thing! 
2. Again, your telling me one boob is going to look amazing and perky and happy, but then the other boob (original non infected killer boob) is going to look like it does now? I’m aware in a bra there would be no difference, but when I take my bra off there would be a massive difference! ALSO. Forgetting the fact that I am a BRCA1 gene carrier.. Therefore I’m already at an exceptionally high risk of getting Breast Cancer (hence me writing this) so why leave the other breast? She advised me that the risk was only 50% now I’ve already had breast cancer. But In my eyes 50% is still pretty friggin high.. 

So I laid my cards on the table:

1. Why can’t we do a double mastectomy, silicone rebuild on both sides, then continue treatment and then I can have full DIEP flap reconstruction in a few years time? My reasoning for this was mostly around Erin. She is just 2&1/2 years old. I physically wouldn’t be able to cope with a toddler and having MASSIVELY risky surgery with her running around. She caught my picc a million times on good days by accident, let along then catching massive wounds/scars/drains! She doesn’t understand! Also, can I live with the fact that I have a 50% chance of going through all this shit I’ve been through again? Ok? There have been good chemotherapy days and bad chemotherapy days and friggin awful chemotherapy days! I can’t deal right now with my bald head, lack of eyebrows, eyelashes, feeling sick 24/7, being sick, constipation, bad skin, infections infections infections. That is something I want to bury behind! And not forgetting the pure anxiety of my mind knowing I have a 50% chance of going through it all again. Everyday I wouldn’t survive without being so anxious! 

That was my plea. 

She argued that because the good boob wasn’t damaged, or cancerous. She would have to get permission to do it so she would have to go and ask someone. 

She bloody well did. 

I felt so angry. I understood what she was saying, but you can’t let a 29year old woman live with such worry. 

She came back in and it was authorised. 

✅ 

As she was the surgeon performing the mastectomy she booked me in with her. 

We talked about the risks & compromising. 

1. Radiotherapy could damage the breast tissue. So may have one boob look slightly different. 
2. Possibility of my body rejecting the implant itself - which would result in no boobs. 
3. Possibility of infection - she said at that point we would remove the implants, - no boobs.
4. Reconstruction to be done in 2/3 years when Erin is older. - she’ll be 5 almost. Much easier to manage! 

Seems like a fair deal to me. 

I’ll have new boobs (temporary) then finish the radiotherapy, get married, get our house FINALLY, get the job I want, then love my life for a few years and HEAL. Then when Erin is older to have full reconstruction via DIEP flap! 

Then everything will be history. 

That was that. 

Surgery was booked. 03-03-2020.

Pre-op 18-02-2020.